“Do you know I fell in love with you the first
time I saw you?” Danger! Danger!! Na so my brain just dey sing o.
I come dey wonder wetin the babe dey even
talk about. Why she go just fall in love without knowing me. Now, we both know say that talk no make sense. I been dey office that time…
“Sorry Hannah, I am kinda busy now, why don’t we talk later” I tell her hoping say she go understand. My Americanized boss just dey my desk side dey wait make I drop call.
“It is a lie, you are with a woman.” And so? I dey as I dey, tell you say I no get babe, you go believe? I no tell her that one o. I just dey imagine how some babes go dey believe smooth talking guys like me self. You see as I
dey carry make you laugh smoothly, saying the right things, then you come ask me silly question like:
“Do you have a girlfriend?” Of course, we don prepare the answer already.
Na wetin some girls no just understand. Them dey wait make we tell them the truth but for where, truth always dey bitter. We go resort to wetin dey more comfortable.
“Yes, I used to have”
Now, you are not lying to her. Sorry, if na me, I don’t consider this as lying. I use to have a girlfriend but as I dey with you now, na your own sure pass o.
Na the usual question be that. Na so I go come make my voice softer come do face like say I dey remember many years ago as e dey nollywood film. I go open mouth close am, open am again come answer:
“She was unfaithful. Caught her with my best
friend” Na the best lie to serve any woman be that o.
That aside, make I continue with my story….
“No, I am not with anybody. I am in the office. I will have to drop the call now please.”
Click. I dropped the call and looked at my boss.
She looked back and smiled like she knew what was happening over the phone.
“You are running away from your
She asked in a playful tone. Madam, kai, very
playful woman but if you eff up eh, the way she carry mouth finish you eh. She fit even
remember wetin you do her 50 years ago for
matter wey you feel say dey meager.
“Continue with what you are doing, I will call
you when I have more things written down.”
She said and walked away. No ask me… I don’t have such thoughts towards people I work with.
I am a professional. I had barely settled down to my duties when my phone rang again. This time it was Perpetual. Don’t ask me o, her number had become registered in my head. It ends with 064.
I answered in a husky voice.
“Hey baby, this one your voice is like this, hope you are not fighting with me.” Kai, she no even greet. Alright, no problem.
“Nope, we are not fighting o. Only have something on my table right now” I answered sullenly. I still dey wonder if she go greet me but for where, wetin follow nearly make me abuse her father.
“Baby, this one your voice is not sounding
sweet, let me allow you face your work o. But ehm, can you send me MTN 400? My stomach is paining me.”
Jesus!!! When airtime become painkiller?
“Owk. I will, hold on eh. I will send it when I am less busy.”
Na so I drop call carry hand put for head. Wetin I go buy now? Carry problem wey no be my own put for head. Choi. Na so I hurry do wetin dey my table go downstairs go use ATM VTU take send the money. As it is with guys, I don’t call after sending money to a girl. I wait for her to sacrifice even if it is 3 Naira to tell me she had seen it.
I went back to work, mostly browsing Nairaland sha. Then it was Mazi’s Story that was trending.
(Wetin happen to that guy self?) After wetin for close to three hours without any call, I decided to call her just to make sure she had seen the card. This is the conversation that ensured.
Word for word.
I said as soon as she picked the call. “So it is common N400 you can’t send ba” I was shocked o. I swallowed my pride but the bloody thing still came out so I had to take it
easy on her. She know how I hustle before I get that money abi she no know say na huge chunk comot from my monthly budget for
“Wait na… Did you..”
I did not complete the statement.
“You claim to love me yet I am not seeing
anything. Just one request and you have not
called me for long.”
Kai, like she made any request the first time. Na so I just dey wonder how I wan carry tell her say I send her money through VTU. I never think finish when I hear…
“kpoon kpoon kpoon”
She don drop call. One kind rage just fill my
head. I carry phone begin type text. I wan break up immediately. I don finish type am wan send am when I remember say I don invest N800 for her head. Kai, the toto shall not pass me by. I delete the text come type something wey dey more sober.
“You never gave me a chance to explain. I do
love you and will do anything to make you happy. Maybe MTN decided to withhold the
money I sent through VTU to test our love. Well, I am going to the ATM machine right away.
Remember, it pays to be appreciative.” I insert the last line for effect purpose. I no
reach 3 minutes wey I send the text na I'm her call enter. Forget o, I no move one inch comot from my chair. My father name na Babalola, not Dangote.
“Hello baby. I am sorry for shouting at you.”
I no say anything. “I saw the money. I thought it was MTN that dashed me money.”
Kai, I swear this babe na b’i’t’ch.
“Have you sent the one you said you are going to send?” Click!! I cut phone. This babe really dey out to chop my money o. Na later I come dey see apology text message. She even promise say she go change. Make we see sha.
I did not keep my phone on my table when it
started ringing. It was Hannah calling. Since I
was less busy, I picked the call.
“Foxy, why are you doing this to me?”
Was the first question she dropped on my head.
Some babes can so think they own you because they gave you toto to Bleep. I hate that thing eh.
I Bleep you no mean say I like you. Na mutual agreement between the fucker and the fuckee (Mazi’s Dictionary).
“I am not doing anything to you. You said you love me, I am happy about it.”
I answered her.
“Is that what you will say?”
See Jamb question.
“What else do you want me to say? I am even hungry right now. I am yet to take my lunch” I answered hoping she would cut the call. But the reverse seemed to be the case.
“Sorry baby. What do you want to eat when you come home?”
She asked sweetly. My ears pricked out. Now
that is what I am talking about. A girl playing the role of a man because you have fuckeddd her well.
“Uhm, I think I will want something to swallow.” I answered. There was silence at the other end before her voice finally came up.
“I will have to go to the market o and you know this is dry season. Ugwu is not readily available.”
Well, who cares? Not me.
“That’s what I want to eat o.”
I answered her sullenly.
“Owk, when are you coming?”
I asked back.
“To my place na.”
Oh… This babe wan use me do ritual ni? How
long I know you when I go begin come your
“You know there is hold-up all the time. I will
reach your place when I reach it. Where will I
I asked for description. Now, I am releasing
information o, the babe don move out from
“When you drop at Maraba under bridge, cross the road and enter into the park (before it was demolished), take a bike and tell them you are going to Aso, Assemblies of God church. I will come and pick you there.”
The she emphasized.
“Please don’t disappoint me.”
Am I mad? Disappoint fire? Kai, free food, free toto. Men, Aso, here I come!!!
WATCH OUT FOR PART 10
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