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  Date: March 7, 2016

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I resumed work feeling fresh and fly. Na so I just dey run my things like say nothing dey happen. I don bone Perpetual side for like 4 days
now. Which kind babe self she dey claim abi no
be toto she ma get? You go send person
recharge card, she go flash you make you call
back, then she go tell you say she don see the
card. Most times self, I go just dey wish say I fit
just march go her house go collect all the money
of the card wey I don buy for her.
“Attai, Attai".
Na wa o. This my colleague no wan free me.
He come smile like say him don hit jackpot.
“I had a very great vision.”
My ear stand. All my mind be say him don see
vision for me as I take become the first Idoma
man to rule Nigeria. Well, if the country never
turn to Arewa, Biafra and Odua by the time I
ready to take the reins of leadership.
“Really? Tell me about it.”
I come leave wetin I dey type, carry my hand
drop for my chin for full alert.
“I saw myself.”
“You get vision for yourself come mean say na
me suppose interpret am for you?” I asked him.
He looked at me like I did not say
anything, instead he resumed his speech. “You
know I am like the assistant pastor in my church,
I am now planning to build my own church.”
Ahhh…. What plan would one who is still under
tutelage have? “See, your hell fire no be here. So
you dey plan to rent shop take begin your
ministry eh? Choirs and female members don
carry belle finish be that."
I chided him.
“That’s why you need to change your life. I
might consider you.”
He concluded his speech not minding my
interruption. “Mtchw… See this man. So you want
the two of us to dupe people? Just say it out. E
be like nollywood don too full your head oo.” I
said to him and decided to face my work.
“See Attai, you won’t understand. The bible says,
Behold I come like a thief in the night.”
That got at me. “I know. But you should examine
your life first. Remember to remove the log of
wood in your eyes before removing the spec in
mine.” I cautioned him.
“Ehm ehm”
A female voice coughed gently. I lifted my head
to behold a very pretty being. Men, the ways of
the Lord is mysterious.
“Please, can I see Isaiah?”
She asked. Well, who am my not to do my job. I
switched to phoney immediately.
“Uhm, he is not around. I believe he should be
on his way back to the office.” I ended with a
sweet smile. My colleague sensing what I was
about doing just shook his head and went into
his office. Kai, who would see the creature
before me and not give her the
sweetest smiles? Most times, you don’t need to
talk to some women, just smile. There are lots
and lots of hidden messages in that smile. She
sat down and waited for the dude she had come
to seen.
Minutes later the door flew open. The guy
bounced in but stopped in his track. A look of
shock then surprise then happiness (i be psychic
na) flooded his face. The lady on her own just
stood up and flew into his hands. They did not
exchange words o, they just stood there hugging
themselves, then walked out hand in hand. Me, I
felt I had lost out of the game. Time to
concentrate on something better. I went into my
facebook account and began chatting with the
numerous ladies there.
“Can you help me do something?”
It was Isaiah. “Anything o, as long as I go get my
share inside.”
“Kai, Foxy, ba za ka canza ba”
**Foxy, you no dey change.** (No more hausa)
Me, change? Him no hear wetin Paul talk about
Ethiopians and leopards?
“Haba, you know say you be my man. Anything
for you men”
I replied him. This gladdened his heart. I be
winch? How I carry know self.
“Can you help me prepare a Letter of
He asked.
“Of course, why not.”
I just went into my system files, picked one I
had prepared earlier that year, changed the
name to Bridget which he had given me, printed
and handed him a pen to sign it. I was that good
“Thanks man. I go buy you beer.”
I only laughed and gave him my famous
“I don’t drink beer o.”
“Alomo and weed go do be that?”
He asked silently. We understood ourselves
perfectly well. Though the guy is more on the
drug addicted side.
“Big time. Guy, na Boss place we go buy the
leaves from o. You know say him vegetable
always dey fresh.”
I said and he grinned. He left me and went out,
well, I was still smiling when my phone vibrated. I
picked the crazy Nokia up and looked at the
One New Message. “I am sorry if I had sounded
somehow the last time. You know I am just
recovering from heartbreak
and would not want to commit myself
immediately. Please forgive me. It won’t repeat
itself. I love you more than you love me.”
Perpetual don come again!!! I dropped the
phone. I was happy inside o but
men, I was also confused. So this babe been don
like me na im she wan turn me to her money bag
My finger just dey scratch me make I call her but
my mind dey say make I relax. If I call am, e go
show say I dey desperate for a come-back.
Come-back to wetin self? Wasting my money
without tasting shi- shi from her honey pot.
Some girls just dey too
wicked walai. After guy don spend for you
finish, you go come break up with am. Once
them realize say them really gain from you and
no maga dey forthcoming, them go use sweet
talk take bath your ear. If you mumu, you go fall
the second time.
“Na wetin this babe want now? After she don
form finish she wan come back. Maybe I go draw
her oil this time” Na so I dey carry talk to myself
when something dey bother me. Una no fit
blame me sha, every man dey always determine
to succeed for where him been fail before.
“brrr brrr”
My phone begin ring. I look the call, na so I I
gnore am. The phone come ring 4 more times. All
na Perpetual dey on the line. Kai, I just dey
gyrate say na my time to do yanga be that. I no
call am till when I close from office. Na that time
I say make I call her so that I go gist the short
journey from
my office down to bridge or massalaci junction
wey I go see car enter.
“The number you are calling is not reachable.
Please try again later” Thunder go fire MTN or
the mumu network wey
no good. Useless people wey no dey like their
customer enjoy better thing. Na so I say make I
begin vex when my phone start to dey ring again.
“brrrr brrrr”
I no form big boy o. After all, na she wan
apologize no be me. Na so I pick the call come
keep quiet for like 5 seconds.
“Hello, are you there?”
Kai, I miss that voice. Na so I swallow spit
compose myself. I no wan talk like say I dey
excited. Everything na step by step.
“Yes, I am”
I answered, my voice come even surprise me.
The bass just come out, men, I come dey trip for
See bass abeg.
“Did you see my message?”
See question. I blind?
“Nah, did you send any message?” I want make
she use her mouth take talk wetin dey
the message. Una no fit blame me na, once the
wind change, na to mess follow the direction. Na
who dey road go hear the smell.
“Ok, maybe network is holding the message
even though it showed ‘delivered’ on my phone.
Did you see my missed calls?”
Them no dey lie for this kind question. Mind
you, no be lie I dey lie, I just dey play matured
“I did but I was busy.”
Na so her voice change…
“Busy doing what eh!”
O boy, the babe never change o.
“If you are going to talk to me in that manner, I
will drop this call”
Na so I threaten am. By that time I don dey wait
for car make e come.
“I am sorry. I love you and I want to be with
you.” Walahi, this kind question no be me dey
answer am, na my diicck dey always do the
talking. The preek just charge slightly as my mind
just imagine how her body go look like if she no
wear cloth.
Na wetin comot from my mouth but for my
“Is that all you will say?”
By that time car don come and I don jump
enter inside after elbowing one guy comot from
The guy self just dey outside dey abuse me. For
where, I send am, me don enter car, na wetin
important be
that “Hey see, we will talk later. I just entered
into a car.” (this line famous ma) Na so I drop call
before she fit protest. Minutes later….
“I will be waiting for you in Oceanic Bakery”
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