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  Date: March 7, 2016

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Free food…. Free p’u’s’sy… Free bed for the
night.. If na so prison dey walai some people go sentence themselves to life imprisonment. Make una help me check this thing out na, even if na you, babe call you, promise you toto, promise you food and where to crash for the night, you go dull?
After that call my mind was just thinking of the things I would do to her body. Spending the night with a girl should mean “All Night Choping” na. Well, that single thought alone made my diicckk to do the typing for me. Kai, every where I looked in the office, I see a beautiful n’a’aked body staring at me. I had to go to the restroom severally because the cold from the AC coupled with the crazy e;rection of my diccckk was pissing me off. Na so so piss (no wanking oo) I just dey piss.

“Attai, you have been smiling since” It was my colleague. Chei, this guy wan spoil my mood.

“Yes o. I am so happy within me.”

I answered him hoping he was going to free me.

“What’s the source of your happiness?”
See, normally I should be ignoring the guy but getting him angry gives me the greatest joy. You may call me a sadist o but most time I derive as much pleasure getting people angry as I make them happy. Such is life. I don’t have to please you at all times.
“I am going for an all night”

Now that answer is the best and I wasn’t lying. I was saying the truth in black and white.

“Wow, that’s great o. It means you have been listening to me.”

He said. Listening to who? Me listen to you? You go die better die.

“Yes na, I want to model my life like you. You
know what Jesus said about them white-washed cemeteries na?”

He looked at me confusingly.

“Did Jesus make any statement?”

I shook my head. The preacher is preaching but is not grounded. These are the kind of people that are easily toyed with. You see them holding a big Bible but they don’t know nothing inside.

“You eh. So you want me to start preaching to you eh? You are supposed to be my father in the Lord na.”

I said to him secretly enjoying the moment.
“Just tell me. I have not come across that part before.”

Kai, this guy no do bible study when him be
pikin ni?

“Okay, I will tell you only this one time.

According to Jesus, cemeteries are beautiful
outside but are filled with unclean things and dead men bones inside.”

See, I suppose be pastor o, make una pay una tithe with the number for my signature. Don’t give something that cost you nothing o. Be like David.

“How does that relate to this issue here?”

He asked.

“See, I want to be doing holy holy outside. When I am in the secret, I will do my bad things. That way I will appear righteous in your eyes. You know I don’t trust you. Hmmm… Woe unto the hypocrites who show holy holy when their sin is worse than our own o. Your hell fire no be here.”

I concluded. He just stood looking at me like he was contemplating what to say next.

“May God forgive you.”

Now let’s move to Catholic When the Priest
mentions a blessing on the congregation during mass, they always reply him.

“All also you.”

I replied him. He just did this “holier than thou” face and walked into his own office.

See me o.

Why this guy wan spoil my day na. Haba, all the imaginations wey I don get for this matter, I no sure say I go allow am spoil am for me.

“Hello, have you closed yet?”

That was hours later o. I had not so I told her so. But men, conji had built up to an
“insummable” level that I had to look for an
excuse to skip office. I waited till my boss
returned then squeezed my face like one who had diarrhea. I went to knock on her office door.

“Yes Attai.”

I did not say anything, I just stood with that face looking at her.

“What is wrong with you?”

She asked. Now I stepped in.

“I don’t know ma o. Maybe it is this okpa.”

I answered.

“I have always warned you to always watch the way you consume that product. You don’t know how it is made, the water that is used. God, you might have gotten poisoned from it now.”

Madam release me abeg. Make the poison kill me sake of say I come tell you?

“Take this N3,000. Treat yourself. If you are not strong enough, you can skip work tomorrow.”

Chei!!! The best boss ever. I thanked her. Collected the money and walked to my table. Picked my bag and crawled out. As soon as I got to the lift, I was healed miraculously. Believe in miracles ooo…

Sometimes e dey get as e dey be when nature wan punish you. You go don put high hopes for something finish, na so your hand go come fall. Na wetin me I experience be that o. But that no be wetin happen. For example now, if person promise me money, I no dey include am for my personal budget because the person fit fail me.

I left the office feeling high and mighty. I felt I had the best brain in the world. Work closes by 6pm but I left around 5pm. My plans was to get into the hold-up (we don’t call it traffic in Abuja.

You can spend 3hrs in a 20 minutes journey)
quickly. I was singing loud to my song,
“Celebrity” which I did earlier that month. Men, I was feeling the lame lines I was throwing in.

I got to the bus stop. You know, they said
Goodluck Ebele Jonathan was passing, only God knows where that guy goes to. Whenever he is passing eh, all the roads are blocked for security reasons. No be say the man go even come outside come wave person self. So no one should be standing on the bridge beside NNPC Towers. Kai, I had to move to Massalaci junction to get a car. Cars were not coming, policemen had stopped all of them. Goodluck was like 1 hour away. That was how I waited for an hour.

After Goodluck passed, the roads were reopened. People who had closed came to join us and we became a crowd of people waiting for cars.

“Nyanya N150.”

Some drivers could be so wicked. Going to
Maraba is N100, Nyanya goes at same price but everything tripled that night. Nyanya became 150, Maraba N200. Kai…. I was really angry. I had budgeted the money given to me by Madam so aint no way I am forming big boy o. I waited and waited before this El-rufai came o.

El-Rufai (Abuja) = BRT (Lagos). Na so I push,
drag, pinch before I succeed enter inside car.
Everywhere dey full and na to stand na im
remain.

Na so I stand for car o, car begin drive, we reach AYA realize say na from there hold-up start from. Men, na so my leg pain me till we reach Nyanya. Na from there I climb another car. I reach Maraba I don already tire finish. Men, I just dey come down, I comot Phone call this chick tell her say I don reach, na so she shout give me. Men, I begin happy o as she tell me say she don cook finish. She been think say I go disappoint her. Damn… Me? For free toto, food and bed? Maka gini…

I had crossed over the road to the other side
clutching tightly on my phone. I had made the first call codedly so I was not planing on risking it the second time. Those guys with eagle eyes must have sighted me. The boys dey snatching phone from car wey dey drive 120 km/h, my own go be play be that na. I remember when them been collect my phone. I been dey use one confirm express music and I just landed Abuja newly. I was leaving for the hotel I was employed in very early in the morning. I had brought out my phone to download games. I never knew one of them phone-snatchers saw me. The guy trailed the car till it was about to leave the hold up. He struck, kai, I held my phone tight but he twisted my fingers and removed it from my hand.

I been think say heart attack wan catch me. Na so my phone carry go? Everybody for car begin tell me sorry. Even the mumu driver dey tell me talk say him been wan tell me but im mind comot from there. As I reach work begin yan people the story, all of them come dey tell me say na mumu I be. Me? mumu? Sake of say person force phone comot from my hand o. I no blame them. How I for do am? CHase am when my seat belt (I sat on the front passenger seat) hold me down like captured goat?

As soon as I entered into the park, I went
straight to where bikes were parked. Picked one, bargained and hopped on it. I was feeling the gently breeze that brushed my face as the journey progressed.
“brrrrrrrrr”

My Nokia begin ring. I pick am look the name. Choi, my belle sweet me die. Na one confirm babe wey me dey like for Nairaland na her dey call. I pick call begin yan with her but along the line she begin tell me say she no dey hear me. I tell her say make she call me later say I dey on top of bike dey go house. For where?

I got to Assemblies of God at Aso, picked my
phone confidently since the phone snatchers don’t operate in the inner part of Maraba and called this girl. She picked it at the first ring. Minutes later she appeared. Na so she wear one blue top on top (lol) black skirt come carry head-tie cover herself like Hausa girl.

“Attai, I miss you.”

Miss? When we see?

“Me too.”

She come hug me. Na so signal waka enter my brain because her kind of hugging na the one wey them dey carry hand take hold preek.

“where is your place?”

I no wan waste time o.

“It’s over there. We have to be quiet about it.

I don’t want my landlord finding out.”

I only nodded and allowed her lead me through twists and turns of the ghetto looking Maraba.

We entered into her compound and straight
into her room. The place looked like the normal student abi na spinster room self. Bed on the rug carpet, bags hanging on the wall, a wardrobe full of clothes. Tell me why women Like clothes pass men. The most beautiful thing in the room was the pot that was still steaming on the fire. The aroma wasn’t clear though.

“Please take that pot outside. I hate smoke”
I complained to her which she quickly did.

She came back to meet me laughing over the phone.

The female Nairalander stayed on the call for close to 20 minutes after which I bade her goodnight with sweet words. Jeez, this babe was right there. She did not interrupt the call. She waited for me to finish.

“Who was that?”

She asked.

“A friend.”

I replied curtly. It is only women that are
allowed to have male friends. Men are not
allowed o. You are either with them or with
nobody.

“A friend ba? So you keep girlfriend for house wan come fu’$u’ck me ba?”

That’s how raw she can get with her mouth o. I was just starting to realize that I had entered one-chance.

“It is not what you think o. Give me food make I eat jor.”

I sort of commanded her. She obliged my
request but I refused eating the food until she joined me. I no wan hear say na only my
stomach go swell-up. I no care if she hide the anti-dote somewhere.

“Who was that girl you spent so long a time
talking to?” She dropped the question again. I looked at her and swallowed. I had finished eating, gone to bathroom, freshened up and was only putting on my boxers. She had stripped herself n’a’ked and was lying close to me.

If na you, how you wan carry tell her say na “so cute was the bliss” call?

WATCH OUT FOR PART 11
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